Journal Express, Knoxville, IA

Community News Network

November 28, 2013

Apple pie has no place at Thanksgiving

(Continued)

Thanksgiving is a time for special, seasonal, Thanksgiving-specific foods. When else, except maybe at Christmas, do you roast a turkey, bake stuffing and make cranberry sauce? Never. And it's the rarity of Thanksgiving dishes, the fact that we make them but once a year, that makes them taste so wonderful.

Apple pie is not a special, seasonal, Thanksgiving-specific food. Apples are available all year round, and you can buy a Sara Lee apple pie at 3 a.m. in the middle of April if you want. Why dilute your harvest feast of unique dishes with something commonplace?

But apples are at their best in fall! you counter. Nice try. Apple season is in September and October, not the end of November.

Apple pie is usually double-crusted: There's one crust underneath the filling and another crust domed on top. The top crust is superfluous under normal circumstances, but it's complete madness at Thanksgiving. People eat a lot at Thanksgiving, and they tend to be full of turkey and stuffing by the time dessert rolls around. They do not have room in their bodies for extraneous crust. Pie crust is like fatty, starchy concrete. It lodges itself in your intestinal tract and stays there sludgily for days and days. Thanksgiving pies should deliver a flavorful filling to you as efficiently as possible - that is, with just enough crust to keep the thing from falling apart.

Everyone knows that apple pie is nothing without vanilla ice cream on top of it. But who serves ice cream at Thanksgiving? Lunatics, that's who. Thanksgiving desserts must always be garnished with whipped cream, and whipped cream on top of apple pie is simply laughable.

What pies do taste good with whipped cream on top of them? Pecan pie and pumpkin pie. Conveniently, these pies are also Thanksgiving-specific, single-crusted, and made from New World ingredients. They are the only pies that should ever appear as part of a Thanksgiving spread.

So please, if you outsource dessert duties this year, make it very clear that you will not accept any pies that are do not contain either pumpkin or pecan. Thankfully, though, if someone does show up with an apple pie, you'll have a deep hole in the backyard ready for it.

 

Text Only
Community News Network
Features
AP Video
Dempsey: Putin May Light Fire and Lose Control In Case of Fire, Oxygen Masks for Pets Mobile App Gives Tour of Battle of Atlanta Sites Anti-violence Advocate Killed, but Not Silenced. Arizona Prison Chief: Execution Wasn't Botched Calif. Police Investigate Peacock Shooting Death Police: Doctor Who Shot Gunman 'Saved Lives' MN Twins Debut Beer Vending Machine DA: Pa. Doctor Fired Back at Hospital Gunman Raw: Iowa Police Dash Cam Shows Wild Chase Obama Seeks Limits on US Company Mergers Abroad Large Family to Share NJ Lottery Winnings U.S. Flights to Israel Resume After Ban Lifted TSA Administrator on Politics and Flight Bans Raw: National Guard Helps Battle WA Wildfires Senators Push to End Hamas Threat in Cease-Fire Raw: Deadly Storm Hits Virginia Campground Officials Warn of Avoidable Death in Hot Cars Death Penalty Expert: 'This is a Turning Point' House Committee at Odds Over Obama Lawsuit
Facebook
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Poll

Upon completion and reopening of Third Street, should the City of Knoxville wait to start the next stage of the Streetscape and Infrastructure project until 2015?

Yes
No
     View Results