Journal Express, Knoxville, IA


February 6, 2014

Just how low will we go?

We’ve sunk to a new low. It’s a fashion faux pas of the dire, denim variety. I’m referring to jeans – waistbands in particular.

Remember when pants used to sit at your waist, not three inches below? Now, we wear low-rise, which is designer secret code for ugly-butt, muffin-top. Low rise is nothing new. They’ve been around for years, and quite frankly the trend is making me cranky. Let the low-rise fad fade, please.

When wearing the mini-zippered denim devils, you definitely do not want to drop your muffin because bending over in low-risers is not for the faint of heart or ample of rear. It’s all about physics and gravity and other scientific concepts too complex to explore here, but I’ll try. When your waistband is already riding low, and you bend over, the lowness becomes lower and portions of the flesh existing along your personal posterior go from the inside to the outside, creating cleavage where no cleavage was ever meant to cleave. I’ve dubbed it the plumber’s profile, with no ill intent meant toward any faucet-fixing professionals, but I think the reference is familiar enough to get my point across.

Even when standing upright, the ill-waisted pants tend to creep downward on their own accord (darn gravity) and one must hoist them up again and again. When a person is sitting, the waistband gaps in the back, once more displaying items not meant for any display case.

Low-rise jeans do provide the opportunity to show off your underwear, but I’m not sure how many people want to do that. There’s a reason they call it underwear. Enough said.

One might wonder why women wear these low-rise objects of torture. I’ll tell you why: We have no choice. They are all that is available to purchase – if you want to maintain some sort of sanctity within your hipster mom status. High-waisted jeans – if you can find them – are simply not cool. To wear them would make you look like, well, a mom. And I, for one, am not about to do that.

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