Journal Express, Knoxville, IA

Opinion

November 14, 2013

Five steps for a quick trip down the aisle

As chief dietary consultant and food preparation specialist in my domicile, I am responsible for the procurement of foodstuffs and other assorted provisions to ensure continuous familial sustenance within our humble abode.

In other words, I do the grocery shopping.

I’ve been at my post for decades, rising from the ranks of grocery greenhorn to that of food aficionado. They don’t give PhDs for grocery shopping proficiency, but if they did, I’d practically have my bachelor’s degree.

Years of experience have fostered finesse in the aisles – a necessity when one is attempting to traverse the narrow passageways on a Saturday afternoon. The space becomes a virtual obstacle course as responsible and competent shoppers are forced to dodge errant children, navigate around the free sample lady and make evasive maneuvers in order to steer clear of the cute newlywed couple arguing about crunchy or smooth in the peanut butter aisle.

The underlying problem stems from inexperience. Many of the cart-wielding folks loitering near the Hamburger Helper display are unfamiliar with the universal grocery aisle rules of etiquette. They are rookies intermingling with a league of professional shoppers, and they are holding things up.

Conquering the produce section and beyond can be a frustrating drain of one’s time and energy, so in hopes of helping everyone get home a little sooner on Saturday afternoons, I have put together five basic rules to help streamline the shopping process. Those of us who have been there, done that, understand it is important to be there, do this. So, please do.

1. Become one with the cart.

Your cart is nothing more than a large metal obstruction on wheels, capable of blocking access to produce and product, causing undue irritation to any and all super shoppers in your vicinity. Think of this steel box as an appendage of you, young grasshopper. When you separate from your cart – even for the briefest of moments – you double the space consumed within an aisle. Never abandon your cart, and by all means do not leave your cart on the right side of the aisle while you cross over to retrieve a box of macaroni and cheese on the left. This serves the purpose of blocking an entire aisle. Blocking the aisle is beyond a shopping faux pas – sort of like crossing over to Vader’s dark side, and we all know how that little reunion turned out.

Text Only
Opinion
  • Another View Charlotte mug Another View

    Last week on TV – remember?  Pictures of the D-Day landing when Allied troops waded through cold waves, June 6, 1944, to face Nazi guns and land on the beaches of Normandy, France.  

    June 18, 2014 1 Photo

  • In the House of Wood

    I sometimes worry about what little regard is shown for human life these days. 

    June 18, 2014

  • Heisman winner's legacy wasn't about football
    If you've heard of Nile Kinnick, you’ve never forgotten his story. If you haven't, it’s a relatively short one with a sad ending.
     

    June 5, 2014

  • The Rules of the Road By Jill Pertler I do not consider myself an excellent driver. I am good, or maybe just okay - around a B-minus to a C-plus if I were giving out grades. I am not great at maneuvering into tight parking spaces or knowing when it is my turn at a four-wa

    March 21, 2014

  • Steve mug Creativity rules! I've noticed as a married man that there are times in our marriages when it is just nice to be right. Take for instance Monday night. By the time I got home from the council meeting, I was pretty hungry. I didn't grab anything to eat before my evenin

    March 21, 2014 1 Photo

  • Frankford mug Acute Temporary Comfort Rejection Syndrome By Phillip Frankford Acute Temporary Comfort Rejection Syndrome

    March 21, 2014 2 Photos

  • Shivvers pic 21st century overwhelm, beginning with shampoo I was in a hurry and needed only one more item at the grocery store. Shampoo. I wanted shampoo to wash my hair. But I found a hazard course - and couldn't remember how I got through the last time. What should I do? Would it be simple "anti-itch liqui

    March 21, 2014 1 Photo

  • Next time ... To the Editor: While surfing my Facebook page, I came across this message: "I Shall Continue To Do What I think Is Right Whether Anybody Likes It Or Not." -Harry S. Truman. After reading this quote, I decided to tell my experience. I was walking to m

    March 21, 2014

  • Protecting Iowa's children A topic that most Iowans prefer not to acknowledge nor discuss is human trafficking. However, it is a serious matter in our society that we can no longer afford to ignore. With the I-80 and I-35 corridors that crisscross our state - and the I-29 corr

    March 6, 2014

  • Letter: Disagrees with Shivvers To the Editor: I read, with interest, Ms. Shivvers' comments in her opinion piece "Another View-Breaking Bad in Iowa" in the Feb. 14, 2014, edition of the Knoxville Journal-Express. It is the first time I have heard today's agriculture compared to th

    March 6, 2014

Features
AP Video
Demoted Worker Shoots CEO, Kills Self Obama Slams Republicans Over Lawsuit Raw: 2 Hurt in NY Trench Collapse House Leaders Trade Blame for Inaction Cantor Warns of Instability, Terror in Farewell Florida Panther Rebound Upsets Ranchers Small Plane Crash in San Diego Parking Lot Dangerous Bacteria Kills One in Florida Visitors Feel Part of the Pack at Wolf Preserve 3 People Killed, Deputies Wounded in NC Shootout Suing Obama: GOP-led House Gives the Go-ahead Obama: 'Blood of Africa Runs Through My Veins' Amid Drought, UCLA Sees Only Water Texas Scientists Study Ebola Virus Smartphone Powered Paper Plane Debuts at Airshow Air Force: Stowaway Triggers Security Review Minnesota Fire Engulfs Home, Two Garages Southern Accent Reduction Class Cancelled in TN Obama Chides House GOP for Pursuing Lawsuit New Bill Aims to Curb Sexual Assault on Campus
Facebook
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Poll

Upon completion and reopening of Third Street, should the City of Knoxville wait to start the next stage of the Streetscape and Infrastructure project until 2015?

Yes
No
     View Results